Write With Grace

If You ' re Running with Asthma, You Have Trust Issues

Getting your head out of the way when running is hard for any type of runner, but it's a bigger problem for those of us with asthma.  Getting your head and your lungs to work as a team is almost impossible.  Adding a trainer or instructor to the mix could land you in the hospital. Trust is huge.

Before I realized I had EIA, I tried, and failed, several aerobic classes.  I could never keep up. I was immediately tired and about halfway through the class I was spent. The instructor would see me lagging behind and "encourage" me to keep going. I just couldn't do it.  My body was so weak from lack  of oxygen that I had to stop. Completely embarrassed, I tried as best I could and then made excuses at the end of the class for why I couldn't participate the way the others did. For three or four days after the class I was completely exhausted and wanted to sleep for hours. Eventually I gave up trying, thinking I was just too out of shape to attend an aerobic class.

I've always had the desire to run, but again, could never keep up. I tried, and failed, at running for the better part of twenty years.  When running with other people, I stopped to walk early in the run, like, in the first five minutes.  They would all say the same thing: are you tired already? Yes.  So I stopped running with other people.  I ran alone but never had much success going more than two miles.  Even two miles was hard.

Once I figured out I had EIA, the real work began both physically and emotionally.  I wanted to run; I had the desire, but I felt my lungs were holding me back. What I realized is that my head was holding me back.  I immediately began an unhealthy dialogue in my  head: I can't run that far. I can't run that fast. I can't climb that  hill. I can't do sprints. I can't run a ½ marathon. I can't, I can't I can't.  The reason I gave myself? I have asthma, so I can't. It took me many months, if not years, to overcome this.

Runners need trainers to improve. Or at least good advice from reputable places such as Runner's World. But here's the thing, I discounted myself as a runner.  I was a runner with a handicap that a trainer or magazine or even a fellow runner didn't understand. I would look at other runners who seemed to excel at their sport and immediately put clarification to their success: they don't have asthma. I needed to trust myself and my body before I could have ears to hear the information that would make me a better runner, with or without asthma.

I had to trust that I wasn't going to pass out on the trail.  I had to push myself to my absolute limit before I could trust anyone else to push me to the limit. I had to learn how the asthma affects me on hills, in wind, in 100 degree heat, in rain, during allergy season, and during spin class. I am a member of a running team at church and they are all experienced runners. It's hard for me to take their advice so that I can run faster or longer because…they don't have asthma. I don't trust that my body will be able to do what their body can do.

I've made huge strides in the last four years.  I've completed four ½ marathons and more than 35 5K events. My time has improved, my speed has improved, but I still have trust issues. I'm learning to tell myself that I am a runner. Period. And runner's need help if they want to improve. But to put yourself in a vulnerable position, to allow another runner, or an instructor, or a trainer, to tell you what to do and how far to push your body is just downright scary. It's a major trust issue.

Running With Asthma, Is It All In Your Head?

It really bugged me when he said it was all in my head. His credentials came with a therapist certification, but he wasn’t a runner and he didn’t have asthma.  So as far as I was concerned, he didn’t know what he was talking about. I immediately dismissed his assessment by rolling my eyes, pursing my lips and refusing to look him in the eye for the rest of our time; which wasn’t hard because there were only ten minutes left. Ten, way-too-long minutes. When I arrived at home, I paced for a long time. How could he say such a ridiculous thing? How could he dismiss my symptoms, the diagnosis, all the medication? How could he so carelessly invalidate me, and the Doctor, and basically accuse me of lying? I was pissed.

He made the comment during his explanation of the mind-body connection in relation to illness.  When our minds are not in the right place, when we stuff our pain instead of dealing with it, the body takes it in and turns it into disease: tumors, cancer, acid reflux, gastrointestinal disorders, asthma, you name it. We swallow a lot of pain from life through divorce, death, abandonment, rejection, etc. and if we don’t purge it out of us in a healthy way it will stay in our body and reek havoc.  This was all fine until he said the asthma was all in my head. He laughed and insisted that I did not have exercised-induced asthma.

I did what any good rebellious woman would do. I went into the hills and ran. The dirt is my thinking ground. I did three loops on the cross country track, up and over, around and around.  Five miles later I was pooped and my lungs were burning. I couldn’t stop thinking about something else he said:  You need to set some boundaries and stop letting other people run your life. I knew this to be true so I resolved to make it happen. I made an appointment with my mom and set the ground rules: no more men. One dad and two step dads is enough for me, I do not want anything to do with number four. Keep it to yourself. For the next year I had to practice keeping that boundary each time she pushed it.

Next I set boundaries with my husband. No more being responsible for his guilt and insecurities. Again, practice makes perfect to keep everyone on their own side of the fence. Once successful, I was gaining some self confidence. The half marathon was coming up and I was determined to run this one med free.  I wanted to be done with the twice-a-day Advair, the once-a-day Singulair and Alegra, and the just-before-a-run Albuterol  for a total of $150 per month.  The thought of running 13.1 miles med free was frightening, but I was determined so I pushed harder.

In another run through the hills, I started thinking about my mom and the more I thought the angrier I became. I had never been given permission to grieve the divorce, now 20 years in the past, because my anger made her feel guilty; so it was banned.  Running up the hill I felt my body begin to give out, I was running out of steam.  My breathing was labored.  My inhaler was back in the car. I allowed the anger and began to scream in my head, “She’s not my mother! She’s not my mother!” To this day, I do not know what I meant by that, but at  the time it worked as a release. As I came down the other side of the hill I was overcome with grief. For the record: it is physically impossible to run and cry at the same time. The lungs cannot multi-task. I stopped running, bent over and sobbed. Tears and snot ran from my eyes and nose. I let it all pour out of me and into the dirt. I stopped running away.

Sometime later I was forced to acknowledge that my asthma was getting better. There was no denying the relationship between my mental health and physical health; as the mental got better, so did my physical and vice versa.  I slowly weaned myself off of all the medication and ran the ½ marathon completely med free.  Then I came across some sort of spiritual book, which I can’t remember the name of, that listed all types of medical problems, from bladder infections to eye diseases, to cancer, to you guessed it…asthma. Each diagnosis had a corresponding reason to go with it. I flipped to the only one I cared about. “Asthma:  comes from not having a voice, feeling trapped.”

So I guess that annoying therapist who doesn’t run and who’s never had a breathing problem was right, much as I hate to admit it. My symptoms were real. My diagnosis was real. I failed the breathing diagnostic test at the hospital with flying colors. My disease was real. But the problem wasn’t in my lungs; the problem was in my soul. My mind, being the control freak that it is, and not knowing what to do with a soul feeling of being trapped, a feeling of not having a voice, sent the problem to my lungs. It was too much for them to bear;  they began to shut down and I couldn’t breathe.

I’ve run five ½ marathons so far, two of them med free. I feel free when I run; the wind blowing my hair, the music in my ears.  And my soul is happy with every deep and relaxing breath.

-Tara Schiro

Asthma " Cured " with Long Distance Running

[caption id="attachment_82" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Showing off our medals after the Columbus 1/2 marathon"][/caption]

I recently ran a 1/2 marathon in Columbus, Ohio with my childhood friend, without the use of Advair, Singulair, or Albuteral.  This was a first.  I had weaned myself off all the medication during this past summer, 2009, because I was feeling so much better from two things: First, all the running.  The key for me seems to be steady, long distance running that is providing the healing.  The more miles I log, the better my lungs function.  As a disclaimer, lest you think all I do is run, let me say that I log on average about 15-20 miles per week.  Not very much in the grand scheme of things.  When I run I try to do between 4 and 6 miles on weekdays and longer on the weekends.  Consistency is the key.

The second component is mental stability.  A mother of an 11 year old girl wrote to me recently about the medication her daughter is being prescribed during cross country and track season and wondered if I had any thoughts.  Here is my responses to her: "Again, I’m not a Dr., but I will share with you my experience with this. First, looking back at my childhood, I can see that I had EIA and did not know it. My ’symptoms’ began showing up in PE class in middle school. (Asthma is hereditary and my dad had regular allergy induced asthma as a child and grew out of it in his teen years. My asthma seems to be exercise induced.) While running the required 1/2 mile at the beginning of class, in the required timeframe, I “couldn’t keep up” and thought I was just out of shape. Through high school, I wanted to be on the cross country team but when I practiced, I was immediately tired. Like, I had to stop and walk within the first two minutes of running. I walked and jogged the rest of the way but I mistakenly thought that I couldn’t do it; I wasn’t good enough. Interestingly enough, this is the same time frame when my parents began having problems with their marriage. I did not know it at the time, but, my 13 year old brain translated their problems into a self esteem issue for me: I’m not good enough. EIA is REAL. Please do not hear me as dismissing symptoms or that it is all in the head. But, what I am now exploring in my own story, is the possibility that my feelings of not being good enough shows up, to this day, in my running. Running is something I want to do, but it is a competitive sport that puts me in an arena where I am constantly comparing myself to other runners. Can I keep up? Can I do what my coach expects of me? Can I beat my time? Even this very second as I type, my lungs are tightening just thinking about it. I will be posting more on this topic in the near future so keep reading the posts. But, let me also answer a few questions for you. Encourage your daughter to run consistently all year long, not just during XC or track season. The reason is that once a person stops running for a few weeks or months, the body then needs to start over again with the new season. Any momentum is lost and needs to be regained.  If she wants to be competitive, she needs to be consistent throughout the year. She needs to keep her base miles, her foundation, really strong so that when she begins a new season of competition she will have a steady base to use as a spring board for improvement. There is a lot of mental stress that will occur if she has not been running and then all of the sudden begins a new season with the expectation of doing better than last year. Her lungs and her brain will go into shock with this new responsibility.  If you read through my posts, you will see that every year I participate in a 7 week 5K series. Each year I improve my PR by about 4 minutes or so but this is only because I run all year long. If I were to keep starting and stopping, I would not have this kind of improvement. If she is serious about wanting to run, and is having symptoms, you should take her to a pulmonary specialist who has patients who run. But, in my experience, two things have become the cornerstone for my improvement: consistency and mental strength. Self esteem, self image, value, self worth; these are all huge barriers to any sport if they are in the negative category. If your daughter keeps running, she will learn mental strength and mental toughness. Running has a way of putting these into perspective real quick. Again, thanks for writing and please keep reading as I work through this myself."

2009 has been a year of upheaval and tremendous growth at the same time.  I don't want to hear that my asthma isn't exercise-induced but self-induced.  However, I also cannot ignore the fact the my mental strength is getting stronger and stronger and my asthma and my running are getting better and better.  I cannot ignore the evidence that physical and mental healing are happening at the same time.  They seem to be going hand-in-hand.  The reason I put the word "cured" in quotes is because I don't know if I am.  I don't know that a person can ever be "cured" of asthma.  Remission, maybe.  I will keep exploring and keep running and keep posting to let you know what I discover.  Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing.

Run Marathon with Asthma

The first words I associate with running are "I want to," and the second set of words to come in rapid succession are "I can't."  It took me awhile to honestly recognize this. When I'm running my regular trail, I often look at the hill in front of me and say to myself, "okay, I'm going to run up today instead of walk," and then the next thing I find myself saying is, "I can't."  I can't because my lungs will close.  I can't because I won't be able to breathe.  I can't because I have a disability.  I can't because I'm not strong enough.  I can't because I have exercise-induced asthma.  I can't.

Some of the most recent comments left on the home page of this web site deal with "I can't."  The lady in the military says that her superiors think she is lazy and not trying hard enough.  Another lady runs with her husband and can't keep up.  Another lady wants to run a full marathon but as soon as she hits a certain mileage, she's suddenly symptomatic. The words "I can't" are so powerful.  When others say we can't, we mistakenly believe them.  I seriously doubt that the lady in the military is lazy.  She wouldn't be there if she were. But we believe the lie, that we can't.

Last month my husband and I ran a 10K in Santa Barbara, CA.  It was so, so gorgeous. It was 10 miles along the coastline; 5 out and 5 back. The weather was picture perfect: clear, 58-65 degrees, little breeze.  I had so much fun taking in the scenery, thanking God that my body could participate in the run...and then the unthinkable happened. I posted a PR. I would have to go back and look up my official time but I think it was about 1:48:21.  My average speed was a 10:46 mile (remember that when I started running my average speed was a 15 minute mile!). I remember feeling so good as I was running.  No anxiety, no pressure, just enjoying the run and taking it all in.  I can run well.

This past Sunday my husband and I ran to a historic park behind our neighborhood.  It is exactly 4 miles, out and back.  The 2 miles to get there are up a slight hill (I'm guessing a 2-4% incline). It is the first time I ran the whole way up the hill without stopping. Upon our arrival, my husband said, "let's go another mile; I want to show you the canyon."  "I can't," said the peanut gallery in my head. But we pressed on and I watched my Garmin like a hawk.  As soon as we hit the mile, and not a second after, I stopped and said, "That's a mile."  "The trail I want to show you is just up ahead, let's keep going." "I can't," said the peanut gallery but we kept going, at a walk.  Finally, the trail was close but there was a bigger hill to get there so I said no and we turned around. I believed the lie that I couldn't.

We started running back toward the house, which was  now 3.5 miles away.  The chatter in my head was ridiculous:  I didn't prepare for all these extra miles, I only prepared for a total of 4.  I didn't eat enough, I didn't drink enough; I can't do this.  We ran the whole way back, except to say hi to a friend coming toward us on his bike.

I can run.  My body is stronger than I think.  I felt completely fine when we got back; great even. It is my mind that is weak.  It is my mind that tells me that I can't "because I have asthma."  Whenever someone asks me about my running, I usually start off with, "well, I have asthma..."  Translation: I can't run as well as you because I have a defect. I can't.

Yes, I can.  I just have to believe that.  I have to choose to believe that.  My goal is to run the LA marathon next May of 2010. I'm thinking that if I finish around 5 hours, which is around 12 minute miles, I'll be happy.  Can anyone say lazy? My long time goal is to qualify for Boston. That means, if I wait to do it when I age up, I would have to run a 9 minute mile...26 miles in a row.  I can't do that; there's no way. I have asthma, I'm not strong enough. I would pass out.  I once told my husband that with my long legs, if I didn't have EIA, I would be a really great runner.

The hypocracy is so glaring.  I need my sunglasses.

This is bad.  I did not pass out after the run on Sunday. I felt good. My mind is trying so hard to hold me back from running because...because...I don't have an answer.  I don't know why it does that. Because it thinks it should?  Silly.  The evidence is in the pages of this site that I am getting stronger.  If you read the posts in chronological order, you will see the medications I was on, and now, I am happy to report, I am down to once per day of Advair 100.  This is progress!  I am off of the Singulair and Alegra except in extreme conditions like high pollen days, even though I'm not allergic.

The mind is a powerful thing; more powerful than the lungs.

Run With Asthma

I'm running a 5K race tonight and I'm tired.  It's hot outside.  The air here in Southern California isn't that great.  I'm trying not to psyche myself but a part of me can't help it.  I can only do what my lungs will allow; I'm at their mercy.  But, if I keep pushing, my lungs will do more than I give them credit for.  This is the struggle.  Knowing how far to push, how hard to train.  There's always the fear in the back of my mind of what will happen if I go too far.  Will I pass out on the trail?  Will someone find me?  I run with my cell phone but not always my inhaler.  On race night I take neither.  On race night I wear the Garmin to track my pace.  On race night the goal is to loose seconds, preferably minutes, off my best time.  Can I do it?

This particular race series is seven weeks long.  We race every Thursday night at the local college.  We start on the baseball field, meander through the campus, and then up and down the hills along the freeway for a mile before heading into the stadium for half of a lap around the track to the finish line.  Official results are printed each week.  My goal is to decrease my time each week.  Last week, the air quality was so bad it sabotaged my efforts and I gained an entire minute.  Am I being to hard on myself?  Why can't I just run?

Two years ago my time for this series was 45:00 all seven weeks.  Last year I started the series at 46:00 and ended at 36:34.  This year I started at 32:12.  I'm still hovering there with four weeks to go.  I would like to end the season with a 30:something but this would require consistent ten minutes miles and through the hills, well, I'm not so sure this is possible.  My husband thinks I'm crazy to be so concered with times and scores.  He doesn't have asthma.  His lungs don't rebel against him.  His mind doesn't say, "let's go!" with his lungs laughing somewhere deep in a cavity of obstinance.  It makes me crazy.

I just want to able to go and do what I please.  However, the voice in my head is nagging me to look at the bright side.  Last Sunday I ran four miles without stopping.  This is a milestone.  I went slow, an average of twelve minutes per mile, but I did it.  I am running stronger.  I am running faster.  In my mind just not yet strong and fast enough.  Why am I so hard on myself?  Because I do not like being told no.  If I want to do something, I should be able to do it.  I'm thinking that there is only one brain in my body so if I am in charge of that brain, and I say to run faster and stronger, they why are my organs not listening?  Why can't I make them behave?

They have a mind of their own.  They do what they want.  They will improve on their timeframe, not mine.  I have to listen to them, not the other way around.  I don't like this paradigm.  In the January 2008 issue of Runner's World magazine there was a quote by General George Patton, "If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing.  You have to make the mind run the body.  Never let the body tell the mind what to do."  I'm guessing he didn't have asthma.

What will I do tonight?  Will I push to the liimits?  Maybe it is all in my mind.  Maybe I can run faster and stronger but my fear of consequences (passing out) holds me back.  Or, maybe I wouldn't pass out at all.  Maybe my lungs are stronger than I think but my fear keeps me from really putting them to the test.  Another deep inhale; I keep doing this to see if the airways are currently swollen.  No.  Just nerves.  They seem to be fine.  But I am tired from this weeks runs.  Or do I just think I'm tired?

It is 9:30 a.m.  The run is at 7:00 p.m.  I have to announce the Junior Olympic swimmeet today for a few hours; that will keep my mind off of the race for a while.  But, I will be out in the heat sucking energy out of my body.  Announcing is exhausting; the ultimate multi-tasking job.  Maybe it will tire me out.  Or maybe it will energize me.  9 1/2 hous and counting...

(p.s.  the swim club is doing a live web cast this year of the 5 day swim meet.  they added an underwater camera which is pretty cool.  i'm on today from 11:00-2:00 and again on
Saturday from 8:00-11:00).  www.canyons.org)

Asthma Runner

Well, so far, my theory is proving to be correct.  It has been quite a challenge to become a runner with exercise-induced asthma.  All of the asthma information I've seen says that certain sports, such as running, puts more of a strain on the lungs than sports like swimming.  Go figure I would pick the most challenging sport.  Welcome to my world.  In my last post in this category, I expressed frustration at my seemingly lack of improvement and the possibility too much down time in between runs was the culprit.  I experimented over the weekend and I think my theory is correct.

When I first started running, I could not run a full mile without stopping.  I had to walk-run the entire mile.  I gradually worked my way up to three miles.  I could not run two days in a row.  My lungs stayed swollen for two days and then I would run and start the whole process over again.  This went on for months.  This spring, I think I've finally crossed a threshold.  Now, if I rest too much, I begin to experience asthma symptoms.  If I sit at my desk too long the fluid begins to build up, I start clearing my throat, my breathing is labored.  So last Thursday I decided to see if my lungs were trying to tell me something.

Tuesday: hills (3 miles), Thursday:  road walk/run (4 miles), Friday: dirt path (2.4 miles), Sunday: dirt path (2.4 miles).   This is a first and a major improvement.  I've never been able to run two days in a row before.  Especially after doing four miles.  I'm thinking that my lungs have caught up to the three-runs-per-week schedule and now go in reverse if I sit too long.

This is good.  My speed isn't improving but I definately feel stronger.  I'm sure the speed will come with the added runs each week.  I'll keep you posted.

Running with Asthma

I want to run.  I don't like to be told I can't do something.  My lungs constantly fight against me.  I have exercise-induced asthma.  The higher the intensity of the workout, the more the airways swell.  But, the more I rest in between runs, the more the airways swell.  Figuring out the proper balance, while trying to run longer and faster, is mentally and physically painful.  It has taken years of trial and error to learn to navigate this disease.  I hate having asthma; it just stinks.

To clarify, I currently use Advair, Singulair, and Allegra on a daily basis and then Ibuterol before a run.  I run 3-4 days per week, 2-3 miles each time.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays I do the hills; Fridays I run the track; Sundays I run on the treadmill and try to run a longer distance.  I run in the evening  because once my lungs are inflammed, everything becomes exercise: walking across the room, making dinner, going up the stairs.  I pretty much have to sit still and rest for a long time if I push myself during the run.  I am a mom and wife; sitting still is not easy when people are hungry.

My current dilemna is that I want to run farther and faster.  Eventually I would like to run a marathon.  There is a local event in November but the way I am (not) progressing, it seems that even the half-marathon will be out of the question.  The 5K runners series starts here in late June or early July.  Last year my best time was 36:34.  It has been almost a year of practicing and I have not yet been able to beat my time.  Although, I do have to acknowledge how far I've come.  The first time I ran the series my time was 46:00.

Frustration is an understatement.  But, in typical Tara fashion, beating this topic to death in my mind, reading Runner's World, trying to figure out a solution, I am going to try to change my strategy.  Instead of running 3-4 days per week, I'm going to try to run 5 or 6 days per week.  I think that possibly I have too much down time in-between my runs.  As a writer and editor, I sit at my computer for hours on end, everyday, which might be causing my lungs to go in reverse.  Then, when I run, my lungs go into shock because they have been 'dormant' for two days in-between runs.  The information I read about increasing mileage and speed all say that running 4 times per week is plenty but I think the rules might be different for exercise-induced asthma.

So, I'm going to try this:  Tuesday:   3 miles cross country track;  Wednesday:  1 mile on treadmill;  Thursday:  3 miles cross country track;  Friday:  1 mile on treadmill;  Saturday:  1 mile on treadmill;  Sunday:  4 miles on treadmill (walk-run instead of run).  If my lungs agree to this, then I will slowly increase the in-between runs.  I would love to run the cross country series this summer in 26 minutes.  A major long shot, but again, I don't like to be told no.

If you run with asthma, I would love to hear how you navigate through it.